P.E.N.I.S.

Short for the People and Entities for Negotiating Ill Sustenances. Originally formed shortly after the monopolization of the Soda Stream Supreme of ‘69 as a hurried means to test the potential health hazards of sudden carbonization, P.E.N.I.S. quickly grew to encompass all things related to public health, replacing the old system held in the Pre-Carbonation Era. Despite the saucy name, P.E.N.I.S. officials are kind of tired of hearing hot dog jokes.

Controversy
On Pop Planet, a health hazard can mean just about anything from getting a bad tummy ache to committing a felony that hits the breaking news. If it gets in the way of your health, or if it gets in the way of the public’s health, it’s a health hazard. Doesn’t matter if it’s physical, mental, criminal, or anything else–if it’s hazardous, it’s hazardous.

Despite its claims, P.E.N.I.S. is notorious for its apparent lack of genuine care for health hazards. As a division of Fizz Kingston’s administration, P.E.N.I.S. only really seems to care about public health when it’s monetarily beneficial–especially if it’s of benefit to Fizz Kingston and his FizzPop! worldwide government corporation business extravaganza.

In a now-deleted video held on Interviewer’s FizzTube channel, Fizz Kingston states in an interview, “I think of P.E.N.I.S. as an extension of my business. My brand, y’know? Because that’s what it should be. Just like how my cowboy boots are an extension of me, of my brand, P.E.N.I.S. is another way I like to express myself. Y’know, economically. I’m always looking for ways to grow.”

How does P.E.N.I.S. bring in money? As a thinly veiled privately-owned business held by none other than Fizz Kingston himself, the real moneymaker for P.E.N.I.S. comes from the P.E.N.I.S. hospitals and clinics stationed around Pop Planet. The nastier the patients’ injuries or ailments, the more they’re willing to pay. That money makes its way up from the P.E.N.I.S. doctors to the higher officials until it makes its way to none other than Fizz Kingston himself. Bonus points if you’re a repeating patient! Fizz Kingston’s administration knows of a couple ways to make sure their “customers” keep coming back.

Sectors

Primary Health Hazard Sector: Deals with all soda-related health hazards. The Primary Health Hazard Sector’s main focus is to keep Fizz Kingston’s soda business intact and free of external threats–i.e. allegations that tarnish Fizz’s image, PR messes, economic hazards, defamation attempts, anything that could prevent or lessen the profits of FizzPop! soda. All other sectors come after the Primary Health Hazard Sector. While the Outward Health Hazard Sector was the first to have formed, the Primary Health Hazard followed suit once FizzPop! took off, and it was quick to dominate P.E.N.I.S.’s priorities.

Outward Health Hazard Sector: Deals with potential public and individual hazards regarding injuries, illnesses, sustenance that could potentially harm the body upon consumption, crimes like physical assault, and anything and everything that can and will bring harm to the body. The first sector to have formed, originally known as the “Soda Testing Sector” to ensure the proper safety of different sodas.

Inward Health Hazard Sector: Deals with hazards that have the potential to deal serious psychological damage, ranging from alien psybeams to the terrors within our own minds. Also has a plethora of in-house therapists, psychiatrists, and psychology researchers, of varying qualifications. Just ask Cheryl about her therapist!

Criminal Health Hazard Sector: Deals with any illicit activities, from stealing a couple bottle caps to committing arson. This is the closest sector that P.E.N.I.S. has to lawmaking, and it’s also the sector that P.E.N.I.S. officials seem to take the least seriously (second to the Inward Health Hazard Sector.)

Health Hazard Judgment Sector: A big ole room that health hazards are ushered into and stared at by a couple of old P.E.N.I.S. higher-ups for five minutes before receiving their final verdict. From here, health hazards may be released, forced to make up with the offended party, or handed over to Gun for their punishment.

Health Hazard Disciplinary Sector: If a health hazard has been deemed reasonably hazardous, they’re sent here to face the punishment process, which is really the opposite of what it sounds like. Usually, health hazards are let off with a slap on the wrist at most, no matter the level of the harm they caused. The “Disciplinary Sector” is really just a front for “Disciplinary Heads” such as Gun to find work in creating more health hazards around Pop City to bring in more money to P.E.N.I.S.

Notable Members and Connections

Gun: Professional freak and heinous rascal. He works in the Disciplinary Sector, but since no one at P.E.N.I.S. cares enough to discipline the health hazards, Gun’s actual job is running around Pop City creating health hazards. Why? Because it makes P.E.N.I.S. bank and it keeps Gun sedated.

Babble: Psychologist. He sucks at his job. The only psychologist Cheryl can afford, because her boss doesn’t fucking pay her.

Booble: Psychiatrist. He also sucks at his job. He has a passion for misdiagnosing his patients every time.

Punch: He doesn’t work at P.E.N.I.S., but he’s a regular at the Disciplinary sector because of his penchant for getting into physical altercations with his landlord. (She’s the one who starts it.)

Ms. Landlord: Also a former regular of P.E.N.I.S., Ms. Landlord often drags Punch into the headquarters after losing a brawl with him. Officials of P.E.N.I.S. are divided on their opinions of Ms. Landlord: some sympathize with her when she arrives with a scratched cheek and a bloody nose, while others scorn her for beefing with a cat. But they’ll never know her pain.

Cheryl: A regular of the Inward Health Sector, Cheryl uses her short bursts of free time from Enya’s grasp to see her assigned psychologist and psychiatrist, Babble and Bobble. As an unpaid worker of Enya’s, Cheryl can only afford the worst of the worst.

Richard Meatmuncher and Friends: Regulars of the Disciplinary Sector, who have yet to face any real punishment. They’re on a mission to complete as many health hazards as possible until P.E.N.I.S. takes any real action against them, as members of their organization that they’ve dubbed the P.E.N.I.S. Munchers Club.

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